Supporting Your Children Through Your Divorce

When things go wrong in a marriage it is often wondered if the couple involved should stay together for the children. The fact of the matter is that it's not the separation that does the most damage, it's the living in a war zone that affects the kids. Nobody wants to live in a world that swings from stony silence to screaming fits and back again. Even if it's not that extreme children can sense when things aren't as they should be and may even wonder if it's something they've done.

During divorce proceedings try to make sure the children know what is going on. Explain it in terms they can understand. They need to know how they will be affected and reassured that you will do your best to keep their lives as unchanged as possible. Try to avoid a situation where they will have to leave their school and friends at the same time as seeing their parents separate.

They should be reassured that the changes going on are due to nothing they have done. Many children wonder if they are to blame and it can take a lot of repeating to actually get it through to them that their parents can no longer stay together because of how the parents feel and not because they've done or said something to cause the rift.

Then they have the agony of wondering if they should be taking one parent's side over the other. It's best not to use your children as a confidant during this emotional time regardless of how mature they may seem. They should be allowed to carry on loving each parent as they did before without the knowledge of what one did or said to the other. You can do your crying on the shoulder of an understanding adult friend.

Keeping the school informed of the changes in the children's live can help. It will help the teacher to understand any changes in mood from the child and, generally, schools will have the welfare of the child at heart and will inform parents if they think there are any problems. Around 1 in 3 children will go through separation so there isn't the stigma that used to be attached to divorce as there used to be.

All this is very well as long as both parents are prepared to play ball. If your ex-partner is being awkward in any way then admit to your children that you do not agree with the way they are behaving without actually putting the other partner down. This is a really difficult situation to be in but try not to drag the children into the argument.

If you end up as the parent that leaves the family home and sets up again in another residence it helps the children to know that you still want them in your life by making a part of that residence just for them. Their own room would be great but a small cupboard just for their personal belongings will do just as well.

When a parent enters a new relationship it can be quite disconcerting for the children. They may feel guilty about liking this new person and feel like they are being disloyal to the other parent. Once a new relationship is established try introducing the new partner as a friend to begin with. The relationship in the eyes of the children can be changed once the children have had a chance to make up their own mind about the new person in their lives.

As far ash the children are concerned, even once divorce has taken place, mum, dad and kids are still family. This means they will want both parents involved in the important events in their lives. Try to help each other and work together in getting both of you to the school play or graduation day. You may have ended your marriage but your partnership in bringing up your children in the best way possible must continue.

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Author Clare Denton helps couples handle divorce. Here she talks about the impact of divorce and children . For more information visit her site at Coping with Divorce
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