Parenting Advice: When The Other Parent Is Poisonous

Q. My stepdaughter is 4, and her real mother is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. She gets visitation every other weekend, (If she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won't say anything.

A. Indeed, it is a difficult situation, though it usually happens with separated parents. In this case the child's mom is in jail, which makes it worse. But even if the child is living with the mother and goes to meet the father he/she comes back depressed - sometimes belligerent and destructive or just in a bad mood.

Since you cannot do much about this difficult situation, you have to manage it properly so that it does not leave such an impact on your child.

First, let's be quite clear that putting the child into some sort of therapy is very unlikely to make much of a difference. This is something that needs to be sorted out by the adults.

Basically, there are two different scenarios. The first is somewhat like our reader's, in which the 'other' parent is not normal. The second is of different parenting styles between one home and the other. Here we will focus on the first kind.

This kind of parent is, among other things, unreliable. He promises to call or come, but doesn't show up. This hurts the child deeply because he/she goes through a whole spectrum of feelings, from hope and excitement to disappointment and despair and even guilt.

Often the parent does come and take the child but either ignores the child completely or imposes his/her will on the child. This hurts the child as it gives the impression that he/she is not a priority in the mind of the parent.

Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won't, do this weekend.

Then, in addition to their unreliability, they may also use the child as a pawn to convey messages (usually uncomplimentary) to the custodial parent. Or they may just spend the whole weekend criticizing and derogating the mother.

All of this is very harmful to the child, as it undermines all sense of worth and belonging. They desperately want to be loved and accepted, yet at every turn they seem to be cast off by this parent who, at the same time, keeps saying how much they care.

These kinds of parents are difficult to deal with even in the courts because they are experts in talking smoothly but their words are hollow. They don't mean what they say. And, the court has to take the case at its face value.

So, how to deal with such a parent? The answer is: be firm and strong but that is easier said than done. Here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

First step is probably to seek some clarity through mediation or the courts. This is one of the rare situations when access to the other parent probably should be denied. However, getting the courts to agree will probably be difficult.

The best you can get, however, is a somewhat clear agreement on the question of visits. You will have a clear idea of the exact date and time of the visit. But you will still have to handle the phone calls during the week and your child in the eventuality when the other parent promises to come but does not show up.

Then, having got that clarity, stick to it. Do not allow phone calls outside of the prescribed times. Do not allow the times of the visits to be changed to the other's convenience. If the agreement is for the child to be picked up between 5pm and 6pm on Friday, then wait until 6pm only. If there is another no-show, go out! Do not be available when he finally turns up at 8.30pm expecting to pick up his daughter.

Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.

No matter what happens, make sure you are always warm, positive and supportive with your child. You don't have to make excuses for the other parent nor should you criticize him in the presence of your child. Just enjoy the times when she is with you. Do your best to make life as normal as possible in the abnormal circumstances.

As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.

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For more parenting advice by author Dr. Noel Swanson, go to his parenting advice website and get his free newsletter.

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